Chasing Pavements

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Have you ever been mad at someone and felt fully validated about your feelings only to discover that they keep on living their life, completely oblivious to your pique?

Now...I know that's not just me.

A very long time ago, I was done wrong by someone I trusted and loved more than anyone in the world. I held this person up to an incredibly high standard and then, something unforgivable was done and the result was me becoming a different person. The person apologized numerous times, seemingly felt bad, and then just moved on with life what felt like overnight.

I never moved on. I let this terrible awful thing that happened become part of my identity. It's such a part of who I am, that it's always my go-to horrible story, my reason why everything in my life isn't perfect, and whenever I'm sad or frustrated or a little emo, I always have someone to blame.

The person who hurt me isn't a terrible person, and when I think back to all the things that happened almost a decade ago, I can see my part in why things happened the way they did. I guess it just felt better to hold on to the anger and hurt and bitterness because it validated me in a way that this person never did. It validated me being stuck in the past while this person continued on with life and never looked back.

I realized some time ago that I can never make this person the person I want them to be or have the feelings I want them to have. I will never be able to make this person say all the perfect things that make everything okay. The truth is, it's not okay and it never will be...but it's over and done with now and I can't go back and change it. All I can do is live my life and try and be happy. Or not just try, but actually be happy.

Being a mature adult really sucks sometimes, but what I've learned is you just have to let people be who they are. Trying to make someone become the picture you have your mind never works out, all you can do is hold yourself accountable for your actions, be kind, and stop waiting for the pat on the head that is never coming.