I can’t remember a time in the recent
past that I didn’t feel overwhelmed. I think I came out of the womb overwhelmed
and over-thinking.
I have been responsible for someone else since
I was 24. I know some 24 year olds who are still gargling with Jagermister but
I was figuring out the fastest way to unload a stroller from my trunk without waking
my baby .
I never really got
the chance to be young , unencumbered, free to travel the world, move to London
to write the great American novel and make out with hot boys with cute accents
which is admittedly…a lifelong dream.
I accepted my situation
a long time ago. I was married, divorced, and a mother all before I turned 25
which forced me to grow up a lot faster than I was probably ready for, but I
survived it.
That’s what I do...I survive.
I’ve had constant setbacks and challenges and they’ve only proven to make me stronger and work harder so that when the next challenge or setback came I would be ready. That makes me sound like some kind of badass but in reality I’m a marshmallow. I’m ridiculously sensitive and cry at the drop of a hat. So, to most people I may seem strong but truthfully, it’s a facade. I fake it until I make it and hope that eventually I’ll feel as confident in my abilities as a functioning adult as I make it seem.
That’s what I do...I survive.
I’ve had constant setbacks and challenges and they’ve only proven to make me stronger and work harder so that when the next challenge or setback came I would be ready. That makes me sound like some kind of badass but in reality I’m a marshmallow. I’m ridiculously sensitive and cry at the drop of a hat. So, to most people I may seem strong but truthfully, it’s a facade. I fake it until I make it and hope that eventually I’ll feel as confident in my abilities as a functioning adult as I make it seem.
I thought as I got
older that this whole being in charge thing would get easier, but it hasn’t. If
anything it has become even more overwhelming. Now instead of diaper rash, baby
food, and Elmo, my life revolves around the tween angst that surrounds the
princess. Does she feel loved? Does she feel safe? Is she confident enough in
herself and her place in the world to feel like no matter what she is enough?
Have I instilled her with enough confidence to attack 4th grade with
all the incredibleness she has to offer? Will she falter? What happens when she
gets to long division? (Please don’t let her adopt my “math is hard” philosophy.)
In addition to the princess, there’s also my job where I’m in charge of quite a few things. It’s a small company and my boss depends on me, and it is such a pressure filled situation because I don’t take long lunches or lots of time off, I am here, present and accounted for all the time and frequently on call. I do it not only for the paycheck (which of course helps), but for the sheer fact that my boss appreciates me, and isn't shy about making it known. I don’t want to let her down, I want our company to be successful, and the feeling that if I lose focus I could put those things in jeopardy is as overwhelming as heck.
We won’t get into all my personal relationships with my family, my friends, and other people. I am the kind of girl that always sends a card. I want people in my life to know that I love them, and I always make a solid effort to be there whether someone needs money, a shoulder to cry on, a couch to crash on, or an ear to listen. I have never regretted being that type of person because I fully believe in life, you get what you give.
I get overwhelmed by being that person because sometimes it’s exhausting. It’s hard not to listen to someone else’s problems and want to chime in with my own. I hate when people do that though, it seems so selfish…so I don’t. Plus, I have always felt like in order to have good friends you should be one and I have some of the best friends imaginable so I think I’m doing something right. As for my family, we all put the fun in dysfunctional anyway and I think the underlying core of what makes us work is that we’re always going to be there for each other regardless of any circumstance.
Then there's the writing. I can't think of anything as overwhelming as the blank screen accompanied by a blinking cursor. I
haven’t been able to write consistently for the past two months. I write some
here and there, but overall I’m not where I want to be and it makes me angry. Mostly
at myself for being such a head case and not making the thing that actually
makes me a person my top priority.In addition to the princess, there’s also my job where I’m in charge of quite a few things. It’s a small company and my boss depends on me, and it is such a pressure filled situation because I don’t take long lunches or lots of time off, I am here, present and accounted for all the time and frequently on call. I do it not only for the paycheck (which of course helps), but for the sheer fact that my boss appreciates me, and isn't shy about making it known. I don’t want to let her down, I want our company to be successful, and the feeling that if I lose focus I could put those things in jeopardy is as overwhelming as heck.
We won’t get into all my personal relationships with my family, my friends, and other people. I am the kind of girl that always sends a card. I want people in my life to know that I love them, and I always make a solid effort to be there whether someone needs money, a shoulder to cry on, a couch to crash on, or an ear to listen. I have never regretted being that type of person because I fully believe in life, you get what you give.
I get overwhelmed by being that person because sometimes it’s exhausting. It’s hard not to listen to someone else’s problems and want to chime in with my own. I hate when people do that though, it seems so selfish…so I don’t. Plus, I have always felt like in order to have good friends you should be one and I have some of the best friends imaginable so I think I’m doing something right. As for my family, we all put the fun in dysfunctional anyway and I think the underlying core of what makes us work is that we’re always going to be there for each other regardless of any circumstance.
I wish I could go away for a retreat and do
nothing but write for two days. The money I spend to do that would be money I
could spend buying the princess the new pants she will inevitably need. I wish
I could take a 6 month leave of absence from work and just write every single
day, but I think we know that wouldn’t
be possible. Well, I guess it would be if I wanted to write from a cardboard box under the freeway or
worse yet, on my mother’s sofa.
I’m rambling again. Mostly because the more time that passes, the more I discover that it isn’t
easy being me.
I also realize that
it really isn’t easy for anyone to be who they are either.
We all have cards we’re dealt
and it’s just a matter of how we play them. So yes, I could spend my life
overwhelmed and exhausted to the point that I alienate everyone and everything
I love and spend my days drowning my feelings by eating my weight in Ben &
Jerry’s Red Velvet Cake ice cream, but I kind of did that last week and all it
left me with was a bad sugar crash and a huge list of things I still need to
take care of. (We will not even discuss the state of my eyebrows right now.)
I have so many things in life that I’m proud
of and so many other things to look forward to. I think the insurmountable expectations
I place on myself only set me up for failure. I can’t live anyone else’s life
but my own. All I can do is remember how incredibly blessed I am, go after what
makes me happy, keep my focus on the things that matter and stop striving for
perfection and get some freaking balance.
I’m not going to figure it all out in
24 hours or 24 days but I’m sure that eventually I’ll get it. If not, I advise
you all to buy stock in Ben & Jerry’s.
