Perception vs. Reality

Lately I've been doing a lot of thinking. This no surprise to people who know me since thinking and over thinking are my main hobbies.

As I mentioned before, during the month of emo I did a bit of an overhaul on myself both inner and outer, and right now I feel better about myself than I have in a really long time.

You know how on those makeover shows when people who've had their hair long forever or have been stuck in 80s makeup or something and then they get a makeover and somehow a new haircut and some lip gloss suddenly makes them see the world differently?

To be honest, I thought that was a load of rubbish. (I was so British in that sentence it's ridiculous) I never understood how mascara could change your life but now I realize that it's not the mascara but the change in perception that it provides.

I spent a large part of my life as an ugly duckling. Homely. Plain. Not cute. In short, a hot mess. I say this not to make you feel sorry for me but just as a statement of fact.

See? Hot mess.

Me and two friends on the last day of 8th grade. No I'm not wearing Cross Colors, though the time period certainly fits.

Despite the fact that I am 15ish years from this picture, when I looked in the mirror, this girl is often who I'd see. I understand that thinking like that isn't healthy or even accurate but it's reality nonetheless.

I was a bit of a late bloomer and finally started to come into myself when I around 18 or 19, then my divorce pretty much thrust me right back into my junior high way of thinking. I constantly worried about not being good enough, smart enough, thin enough, etc. I thought that if my husband, the person I loved and trusted more than anything was so miserable being married to me he had to hurt me in the most unimaginable way possible then I probably wasn't good enough to married to anyway.  

Yes, I know. Stinkin' thinkin'. 

As ever, my daughter is my wake up call. I noticed recently that she speaks about herself negatively and thinks what all of those yard apes at school say actually mean something. She gets caught up in what other people say about her looks and feels like she's ugly. (My least favorite word btw) Hearing her speak that way about herself breaks my heart. I don't want to push all of my negative self esteem issues on her. I also don't want to spend the rest of my life trying to live up to some unknown ideal of who I think I should be. 

So yes, I changed my hair and updated my usual harried mom chapstick and eyeliner to something a bit more glam but the truth is, I really just changed my perception of myself. I decided that I am enough. Period, the end. 

I actually have a point. (Surprise) Now I've reached it.

I mentioned last week that I went to a friend's baby shower and had a wonderful time with all of my friends. What I didn't mention was a tiny little thing that turned into a makeover show moment. For the shower, my friend Courtney took photos of everyone as a part of the guest book. Normally I am always down to take a picture and make sure to fluff my hair and arch my neck to prevent the dreaded double chin. Courtney caught me by surprise when she asked me to pose so I stood up and struck a sassy pose and really thought nothing of it. Before I left I jokingly asked Courtney to post the picture on Facebook so I could see how gorgeous I am.

When I got home, I saw this.

Have you ever cried looking at a photo of yourself? I have.

The person in this photo is me, and by that I mean the person I always thought I was but could never see when I looked in the mirror. This person is who I have been trying to be for nearly 3 decades...strong, sassy, remarkable and confident. I want to be best friends with this person. Seriously people, I'm in love with her.

Feeling good about myself all the time is a new experience for me. I'm not quite used to it, but now I have tangible proof of something I have long suspected...

I am fucking awesome.

Today we should...

And then...

Oh man I love this holiday!

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone! <3

Weekend of Random Awesomeness

Baby shower brunch for one of my favorite people in life. Good food, amazing friends, and um, some wine. Best shower ever. 

My mother was kind enough to babysit the princess so I could go to the shower. When I arrived to pick her up, she was in the parking lot of my mother's salon standing next to Cinderella. Yup, you heard that right. Award for the most random thing ever definitely goes to this.

Saturday night, my boo was on SNL, so I retained full hair and makeup from the shower and got into my jammies in order to fangirl all over this sexy biatch...*

While I was waiting, I hopped on Twitter to kill some time (as I do) and was pleasantly surprised to find out that a tweet I'd made in a meme entitled #WhatEdwardGoogled** was included in Field Trip Friday on Kate Hart's blog which is part of the YA Highway!  

Remember my best friend Libba Bray? Further exploration on Twitter led me to discovering that she is not only my best friend, she is now following me. No big. Whatevs.

Sunday was a rainy day. The princess and I hung out at home and didn't do much. I worked on my writing, caught up on work and what not. The princess it turns out was working on some writing herself. She wrote a short story entitled Ruby's Adventure about a dog named Ruby and Prince named Jake who is also a dog. It is of course genius. Currently, she's planning a sequel. 

Have I mentioned that I love her? ***

So what'd you do this weekend?

* I might have fallen asleep at 9:45pm thanks to the previously mentioned wine drinking. Thank goodness for DVR.

**Apparently the meme has something to do with Edward googling something in Breaking Dawn. I of course, would not know that since I refuse to see that movie.

***Please pardon my blurry cell pics. Proud mom fail.

London Calling

I have been meaning to write a post about my top 5 most wished for travel destinations. Then I was surfing the Internet in preparation and came across this amazing gif of the London skyline.

Courtesy of English Muse via A White Blank Page and a Swelling Rage

 I just kept staring and wishing I was there.

That is all.

Eighth Wonder of the World

As part of her 8th birthday celebration, the princess and I had our photos taken by my friend Courtney who happens to be an awesome photographer. I love these pics for capturing such a sweet moment in time and fun age because thus far 8 has been incredibly hilarious and interesting and looking at these pics will always remind me of what beautiful and fabulous little girl I have.

Thank you FOREVER Courtney!!

Enjoy!

(Disclaimer: It's about to get pic heavy all up in here)

I'm deathly afraid that this photo will end up in some sort of "Hey Kool-Aid" LOL pic but the princess looks so cute and happy here...I love it. We were skipping people, no grown woman looks great skipping.

I Feel Pretty

Look at my pretty new blog header!!!

This was made especially for me courtesy of Chelsey at The Paper Mama!

I am fortunate enough to be IRL and Internetz friends with Nanette and she happened to mention that Chelsey is trying to raise money for a trip to the Alt Design Summit and was giving discounted rates for a custom blog banner and button! 

I love my new banner! It suits me absolutely perfectly! 

If you're in the market for a new banner or would like some discounted ad space definitely go on over to Chelsey's blog and help her out because she's almost halfway there! 

Between my new hair, new Makeup Forever Smoky Lash mascara, and now my new blog header...I'm surrounded by pretty girlyness and I love it! 

Friday Five ~ 11.11.11 edition

1. Happy 11.11.11 Everyone! Are you going to make a wish? I certainly am! Lately I’ve just been wishing for peace and serenity in my crazy life. The last few weeks have been a series of me chasing myself around in a circle. I know I need to make some overall changes and give myself a break but it’s not easy. I just need to keep reminding myself that the definition of insanity to do the same things over and over expecting different results. That certainly puts it into perspective doesn’t it?

2. Whenever I feel out of control, I usually latch onto something to make myself feel better be it books or music or a new dance craze that’s sweeping the nation. These last few weeks I’ve been focusing on my outward appearance since on the inside I’ve been a hot mess. I changed my hair, bought some new makeup, and changed my look a little. I’m still on the fence about how everything looks…I’m hoping I don’t look like a girl wearing too much makeup but it’s been nice to give myself a bit of pampering. What do you think? (This is a self taken cell pic making it by definition, awkward turtle)

3. In the midst of all of my beauty exploration, I discovered a new scent and I'm absolutely in love with it! Previously my signature scent was Aqualina’s Pink Sugar for everyday ( I love smelling like something sweet and delicious) and Marc Jacobs’ Daisy for special occasions. I went into Sephora for the very first time a few weeks ago and smelled all the different Marc Jacobs scents and fell in love with Oh Lola!. I liked the original Lola scent but Oh Lola! is a lot lighter and smells so ME. A large bottle of Oh Lola! was around $88 and I just did not have that kind of disposable cash so I didn’t buy it (chagrin). Instead I bought Makeup Forever Smoky Lash mascara and some Urban Decay Primer Potion (in love with both!!) and the sales associate was nice enough to offer me a sample of Oh Lola! with my purchase!!! I was ecstatic and then earlier this week  it was all over the news that Dakota Fanning’s ad for Oh Lola! is banned in the UK for the sexualization of a minor. You know what I thought when I saw this picture?

Good Lord that is a gorgeous bottle! Parental outrage fail…I don’t see anything wrong with it.

4. Happy Veterans Day! The princess’ dad did a tour in Iraq and still suffers from the effects of his time there. I don’t talk about it all that much because he’s not my husband anymore so I don’t really want to put his business in the street but I’m really proud of the service he provided to our country and how hard he works to make sure to be a voice for the veteran community. He even ran the LA Marathon earlier this year to raise money for veterans and he and the princess are at the VA today handing out cards she asked her classmates to make in their honor. The ex is not always my favorite person but he has made a lot of sacrifices in service to our country and I have nothing but respect for that. Special shout out to my uncle as well who’s Vietnam Vet and anyone who provides service to our country so that people like myself and the princess remain safe and protected. <3

5. One of the best things about this week was on Tuesday when my friend Jessica Love announced that she signed with a book agent. Jessica and I have been friends for a couple of years now and to say that she is one of the best people I know is a complete understatement. She’s awesome and I am so excited for her I don’t know what to do with myself! She has worked really hard for this and I am so in support of her writing career and can’t wait to see how the rest of her journey unfolds. If one of the 12 of you that read this blog don’t know Jess already or haven’t heard this exciting news please feel free to go to her blog and congratulate her! I have…multiple times because that’s how hardcore I am.

PS- Aren’t we adorable?

 Happy Weekend!!!

Nostalgia

It occurred to me that I never really post about Halloween. I have mentioned how it's my most hated holiday because I'm a scaredy cat but the princess actually loves it. She gets excited to dress up every year and there is always an epic debate pretty much from the end of August until a week before Halloween what her costume will be.

2006: A sailor girl. Back when I still had control over her costume.

2008: We went into the costume store looking for Belle from Beauty and the Beast. We left with Daphne from Scooby Doo. I think the opportunity to be a ginger was too good for her to pass up. 

2009: The infamous Hermione costume that turned into Batgirl.(It was also laundry night...don't judge)

2010: She said she wanted to be a witch. I tried to paint her green and she wasn't having it, yet she spent the whole night telling people she "killed Dorothy." Kids today have no sense of authenticity.

2011: A vampire princess...whatever the heck that is. No fangs though. (Obviously my Twilight obsession is genetic.)

A bit of wisdom...

Who knew that a flat sandal wearing, Guy Fieri dressing, puppy loving, US Marshal stalker was so full of knowledge?

Happy Saturday!

Friday Five

1. I can't believe how fast this week has flown by! I can't believe it's November! I can't believe people still wear leggings as pants!

2. Last month kind of sucked for me. I was stuck in a whirlwind of emo due to numerous factors and found myself becoming very sad over things I couldn't control. Some of it is still going on unfortunately, but I can say it's definitely taught me something about myself and how I want to proceed in life going forward. Hint: Not like this.

Luckily the dark cloud has passed and I'm feeling much better and thankfully more like myself. I feel really blessed that quite a few people sent me emails and texts and stuff noticing that I wasn't as active as I normally am. It feels good to know that people care.

3. I'm trying to give up watching TV. I feel like in order to become a more productive writer, I need to give up something and since the Internet is often the only time I get to talk to people, I can't lose that. So TV is going to have to go. This is a gradual loss, no cold turkey or anything. Especially since Glee, How I Met Your Mother, and The Big Bang Theory are still in production.

4. Speaking of being productive, a big cheerleader yell for all of my friends currently participating in Nanowrimo! Hope everyone is working hard and those creative juices are flowing! Cheers for inspiration and hard work getting you to your ultimate goal!!!

5. Oh and um...this happened.

PS- In order to find out my location he had to click on my profile....meaning he wanted to find out more about me because he decided that I was you know...awesome.

Happy Weekend Everyone!

Daughter of Smoke and Bone by Laini Taylor {Review}

 When I first heard about this book I was sure it wasn't for me. I decided to give it a try because everyone in my trusted reading circle raved about it. I remained skeptical because the book is heavy fantasy. 

Like people are part human, part ram, part lion kind of fantasy. 

I'm a girl who likes her books with cute boys and kissing. I'm ok with paranormal but I was highly skeptical that I would like this book.

This book is awesome. It's one of those incredibly written, interestingly woven, layered stories that engulf you to the point that you're wishing you were a part of this fantastical adventure.

I loved it.

Fortunately I was able to meet the author Laini Taylor a few weeks ago and she was amazing! She has pink hair! 

I have no real details to offer about the signing because like a moron, I forgot to take pictures. Feel free to peruse my friend Jessica's blog post about the event because unlike me, she almost always remembers to snap a few photos.

Initially, I was very intimidated to meet Laini because her writing is just so incredible. She has a way with prose, imagery, and analogy that is simply spellbinding and I'm happy to say that I left the signing feeling very inspired because her writing process sounds very similar to mine. In fact she mentioned how she had the idea for DoS&B while she was writing another book and wouldn't allow herself to start on it until she was finished with the one she working on. 

Sounds familiar right?

My favorite part of the signing was when she stated she refers to a new book idea as a "slutty new idea" because it's shiny and new and easy. 

I also loved finding out that she writes in additional document to go along with her WIP because sometimes she just needs to write about what she's writing so she can get a better picture of where it's going. 

I do that too! I have a 10 page Word doc that goes along with my WIP just for writing about my characters or little side stories that have created their particular personality facets.

This book is getting a lot of buzz in the blogosphere and it should. It's original, witty, mesmerizing and the writing is absolutly magnificent. I actually told Laini that she writes like butter, whatever the eff that means. I just can't help spazzing out in some capacity when I meet an author. It's what I do. 

Breaking Dawn Breakdown

You better hold on tight spider monkey, because things are about to get real. (and long...my apologies in advance)

I have feelings about the final Twilight movie that need to be expressed.

Big feelings.

First off let me say that 3 years ago I was an official Twihard. I had known about the books since they first came out but declined reading them because I was of the Buffy generation and felt like the whole vamp in love with a teen thing had been done brilliantly by Joss Whedon.

When they announced that a movie would be made and started selecting cast members, I still remained adamantly against the whole thing until Robert Pattinson was chosen to play Edward.

The hot, lanky, British, and incredibly awkward Robert Pattinson who made me swoon as Cedric Diggory in the fourth installment of Harry Potter.

Sidebar - Have I also mentioned that I'm almost positive that I'm a Hufflepuff? If Pottermore ever gets it's stuff together I'm totally rocking the yellow and black.

Anyway, once I found out Rob was in the movie I knew I had to see it and I knew before I saw it I had to read the books because that is most decidedly how I roll. Luckily my bestie Jana owned the books and had read them and was already singing their praises so she was happy to lend me all 4 books.

We all know that I'm a huge book lover. I read books and fall in love with the characters all the time. I was not prepared however for the raw, carnal, visceral reaction I had to this series. I've read To Kill a Mockingbird several times over. I love the characters, the setting, the story, and just the general awesomeness of the that piece of fiction....but I don't want to bang Atticus!

It was a different story with Twilight.

I read them in 6 days*. I read Twilight in two nights.  I read New Moon in one sitting because I did not want to go to sleep in a world where Bella and Edward were not together. Eclipse was read in three nights because I was sleepy from staying up until 3am reading New Moon.

Then I got to Breaking Dawn.

To say the words literary fail would be putting it mildly.

Basically...Stephenie Meyer screwed me over. I said this in my original Goodreads review of the book but reading BD is like going on three awesome dates with a guy who has Mr. Right written all over him, then finding out on date #4 that he's a premature ejaculator with a tiny penis and bad credit.

In other words...a deal breaker.

Now I blame my subsequent Twifreakery after reading BD on my infatuation with Robert Pattinson and my disbelief that the fourth book would ever actually be made into a movie because of it's previously mentioned horribleness. Hollywood can't be that greedy can they?

Oh yes my sparkly friends, they can.

I have seen the original movie several times. In fact I can probably recite it word for word. I actually kind of love it because of it's cheesetasticness. I also know the DVD commentary between Rob, Kristen Stewart, and the director/cougar Catherine Hardwick by heart and usually watch the movie with the commentary just to hear all my favorite parts again.

I bought t-shirts, stood in long lines at the premiere of the movies, read the first 3 books repeatedly (I refuse to read BD ever again), and swooned over interviews with the cast, paparazzi pics of Kellan Lutz running (hello nurse) and even found myself driving hella far distances to see Jackson Rathbone's band 100 Monkeys play...twice.

Jessica and I at the premiere of New Moon. My t-shirt reads, Jasper Says Relax. Hers reads Forks is for Lovers.

Jana and I at Eclipse. We went to 9am show hence our fatigued faces. My shirt is in homage to the tent scene. Hers reads, Penguins, Lovely which is a direct quote from Edward.

Me dancing with the Bananager at a 100 Monkeys show. PS- No I'm not pregnant. PPS- This pic was taken 30lbs ago.

Then they put Edward's face on a Burger King crown.

They decided to make Breaking Dawn into TWO movies, when it really never should have been one book.

I started to become really (really) uncomfortable with the notion of 30 and 40 year old women lusting after a not quite yet 18 year old boy. Abs or not...it just squicked me out. Plus I was thinking in the back of my mind that said sweet faced boy was eventually going to have to fall in love with a baby. Squicked out squared.

Then it seemed like every YA book that came out afterward was a paranormal series with a love triangle or even worse a girl in love with wealthy, gorgeous, unattainable boy who drives her to school.

Oh I have added bitterness over the fact that Stephenie Meyer made giraffe money** from the whole thing and refuses to finish Midnight Sun, which I feel is arguably the best thing she's ever written. She also comes across as incredibly ungrateful and snooty especially towards the people who's hard earned greenbacks have given her a life most people can only dream about.

My Twi-love has waned...considerably. Now the final movie is about to premiere and I can't work up any enthusiasm for it. In fact I can actually say that I could not care less. I'm not going to see it no matter how many times the trailer shows Edward breaking the bed (admittedly the one part I was kind of looking forward to). I think it's actually safe for me to say I'm ok living in a world where vampires don't sparkle.

I feel like I should get a diploma or something, or at the very least a sobriety chip.




*I maintain to this day that there is some form of methamphetamine in the pages.


**Giraffe money is a level of wealth so vast it becomes commonplace to inquire about the cost of a giraffe. 

Nano No-No

For the last two years I've participated in NaNoWriMo, or for the uninformed National Novel Writing Month where the goal is to write a novel of 50,000 words in 30 days. I won both years and felt pretty proud of myself since it kick started my writing to another level.

My last Nano project remains unfinished. It's a book I've been wanting to write for the last 5 years and I have written and rewritten and revised and re-revised so many times but it's still not done. Before I show it to anyone or even get it ready for the next step in the publishing process I want to be proud of it. I want to feel like I want someone else to read it. Right now, it just feels like a journal entry or a secret project I've been tinkering on for years. So for now...it will remain a secret.

Now I do have another idea for a book. It's been bugging me since earlier this year and I've been using the Snowflake method to outline it. I have a pretty good idea of where it's going and just need some time to draft it. Wouldn't the perfect time be right now? During a month geared towards writing and good writer juju? Why yes it would but I'm not going to participate because I'm afraid if I do I'll be in this same spot next year, a shiny new idea hovering in my mind while last year's shiny idea sits sad and lonely in My Documents.

If I ever want to take myself seriously as a writer I need to be more disciplined. It doesn't matter if no one else reads what I've written, I need to take pride in my craft and the results of what I write. So this month I'll spend tinkering around with my old Nano some more and maybe reworking a few things and looking for a critique partner. I need an unbiased opinion at this point, someone who can see flaws where I don't and see good points where I most definitely don't.

By this time next year I want to be on to the next step. Here's to soaking in some good writing juju this month.