Happy Friday!

Sometimes you have a rough week.
Sometimes you need to realize that everything is going to be ok.

Sometimes you forget to remember how awesome you are.

Sometimes you need to not worry what other people say, do, or think.
Sometimes you just need to take a second, breathe,
then dance it out.

Fear and Loathing, but no Vegas

I belong to a writing group.  Joining this group has been both beneficial and anxiety-inducing for me because I absolutely love all of the camaraderie and shop talk but when you belong to a writing group there is a fairly big requirement, of which I still have not participated.

You have to show your work to other people.

The thought of this terrifies me.  I know in general I am an extreme wuss when it comes to most things but letting someone who isn't me read my writing causes me to sweat, shake, and slightly hyperventilate.  I know what's holding me back but I'm still not sure if I can get past it.

Since I was very small, I wanted to be a writer.  I've had a diary or journal since I was 10, I always made good grades in English and received praise from teachers whenever there was any creative writing involved in a project.  I remember writing notes to friends and how giddy I would feel when something I wrote would make one of them laugh.  Writing is just in my blood.

Now since writing has always been such a part of me and all I really ever wanted to do, why would I have a problem showing my writing to anyone?  Well it's really simple.  Showing someone makes it real.  Showing someone and asking for feedback etc, takes it from a childhood dream to me actually doing it.  Then once that someone reads it and gives me their thoughts, what if they think I suck? What if I really DO suck?  What if I am like those people who audition for American Idol who really (really)shouldn't but they had some well meaning mother, cousin, best friend, or music teacher who told them they should and then they do it anyway and are humiliated in front of the entire country? (You get that I switched writing with singing there right?)

Confession: I love writing this blog. It's such a fun outlet for me and really there is nothing more enjoyable for me than feeding my own narcissism.  I really write this blog for myself and never thought anyone else would read it.  But I wonder who does.  I wonder who reads this blog and thinks I'm hilarious and I wonder who reads it and thinks I'm a rambling hot mess who should shut up.  When I write a post that no one comments on, I feel like I should just make this thing private and stop worrying about what other people think.  Then I think if I make my blog private, how will John Mayer ever discover that it is me (and me alone) that can fix him and love him through his douchebaggery?  So until that day comes, I will blog...and continue to secret the Mayer. (I can feel your judgment.)

The word you're looking for is... anyway*
 
I know that feedback from other writers, especially those in my writing group who are in a word, awesome will only serve to make me a better writer.  My logically sound, responsible, and thoughtful brain knows that, but it's my soft, squishy, overly sensitive, bleeding artist's heart that houses the fear.  The fear of rejection or ridicule and the constant indecision to edit, or not edit, or re-edit.  It's my traitorous artist's heart that needs to listen to "I Saw" (the live acoustic version) by Matt Nathanson at least twice (or sometimes thrice) to get into the mood to write. 

I tried talking about my WIP here during NaNo but I ended up chickening out for fear that I sounded pompous about how I was able to get to 25k during the first week, when at least 24k of those words I hated with the other 1k probably being words like "the", "and", or "to". I've been plowing away on that same manuscript since then and have made really great progress and am in the first round of revisions. (Don't I sound like a writer? WTH is wrong with me?)

Eventually I'll have to be brave and let someone read what I've been working on.  Some members of my writing group have been encouraging me to share recently (some more ardently than others) but I am still not ready...at least not today.  I'm going to do some more revisions and polish up the first few chapters and prepare myself for critique.  I'm not quite sure what this preparation will entail, but I'm pretty sure a cocktail or two will be involved.

Oh and for reading my whiny rambles, my soft, squishy, artist's heart would like to reward you (and maybe herself) with a little Matt Nathanson in hopes that you won't judge her too harshly for needing to hear this song to open her creative floodgates.  It's a link since embedding was disabled, but I promise you, it's totally worth it.

*Solid Friends reference. From The Pilot episode.

This book would make a really great movie...

I know I tend to go on and on about books here on my blog, but I'm a fairly big movie fan too.  Since most films are adapted from books, it's understandable that a lot of my favorite movies started out as bestselling books as well.  I tend not to loop books and films together , because in order to turn a book into a movie, there has to be major changes.  I like to look at them as separate entities and give myself the expectation that the book will *always* be better because a book by design is able to get to a level that a movie will never be able to reach. 

I have quite a few books coming up on my to-be-read shelf that also have a corresponding movie so I figured before I read those books, then watched the movies, I would talk about some of my favorite film adaptations ever.  

The Color Purple

 

 I think epic is the word I would use to describe this film.  I actually saw it before I read the book since my mother was a huge fan of the movie and it played it my house growing up on a seemingly endless loop.  I was probably too young to see this movie when I did but it stuck with me in a way that few things do.  I read the book when I was 14 or 15 and it took me to a whole different place and made me appreciate the movie even more.  I think everything about this movie is brilliantly depicted and I have to watch it at least once every few months. 

The Notebook

 

This movie is one of my favorite romances of all time.  The story is cheesy, emotionally manipulative, and predictable...after all it *is* a Nicholas Sparks book.  Really the book didn't really do that much for me, in fact I much more enjoyed The Wedding which was the sequel about Noah and Allie's daughter and son-in-law.  

I think what makes this movie so great for me is the smoking hot chemistry between Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams.  In that pivotal scene with them kissing in the rain....it's so freaking hot you can see steam coming off of them! 

Bridget Jones' Diary

 

I recently had a conversation on Twitter with some friends about this movie and Colin Firth in general.  I did not fall in love with Colin Firth as Fitzwilliam Darcy in the BBC version of Pride & Prejudice as most women who love him did.  I first swooned for the fabulous Mr. Firth while he was wearing a reindeer jumper and telling Bridget Jones he liked her, just as she is.(sigh)  

I loved Bridget Jones' Diary when I first read it, I think it was one of the first books in the 'chick-lit' genre that was majorly successful (don't quote me on that).  As a chubby girl who is perpetually single, surrounded by smug marrieds, and comforts herself with writing and carbs (as opposed to cigarettes) I could definitely relate to Bridget and her crazy antics.  The movie is equally delightful, and it's always a go to when I need to be cheered up.

Little Women

My gosh there have been so many movie versions of this book!  Incidentally, this is the first book to ever make me cry and all of the movie versions have broken me down as well.  This version starring Winona Ryder as Jo and Claire "my chin trembles perfectly when I cry" Danes as Beth is most definitely my favorite because even though it's Civil War Era Massachusetts everyone still has British accents, and the relationship between all the sisters feels just like it did in the books.  Oh and Christian Bale as Laurie...yeah, good times.

Sidebar - Does anyone else remember wanting to BE Winona Ryder back in the late 80s and early 90s? She was emo before emo was a thing...or even really cool.  Johnny Depp was so in love with her he tattooed her name on his bicep! Did you buy a Free Winona shirt? Oh man...how the mighty have fallen because isn't she a little um, crazy now? Kind of like your kooky art teacher aunt that you only want to see on Thanksgiving?

 

William Shakespeare's Romeo & Juliet

Again another classic with a bunch of different versions.  Yes they have guns instead of swords and Mercutio is totally a crossdresser, but I think the reason this one is my favorite should be fairly obvious.

Leo in a fish tank.  That is all. 

 

So what are some of your favorite books turned into movies? Do you always think the book is better?

What the heck is wrong with me?

I think the evidence of my hard core anglophilia is well documented.  I'm a sucker for a hot boy with an even hotter British accent. I won't deny it, heck I'm not even ashamed of it, it's pretty much a part of my DNA at this point.  So why is it that there is a suddenly a new hot British It Boy that's made his way into our cultural lexicon who I'm sorry to say does nothing for me? 

Behold, Alex Pettyfer, star of I Am Number 4, and the upcoming movie Beastly.

He's also nearly every YA book blogger's personification of Peeta Mellark from The Hunger Games series or some dude named Jace from the Clockwork Angel series (which I haven't read). Basically if it's a YA male protagonist that isn't Edward Cullen, then people want him to star in the film adaptation.

Truthfully, I admit he's beautiful, he has hot abs, and most importantly he's British. Usually those three things are all I need to be able to fangirl the freak out but alas, I am sans squee.

Seriously...nothing.

With this turn of events I was thinking maybe I should turn in my anglophile card.

Then I thought about The Beatles, Love Actually, Harry Potter, David Beckham, The Queen, Prince Harry, The upcoming royal wedding (zomg!!), Big Ben, Harrods, Henry Cavill, The Tudors, Colin Firth, Jane Austen, Coldplay, Orlando Bloom, Bangers and Mash, Chip buddies, The Full Monty,Mini Coopers, Adele, Shakespeare, Windsor Palace, The Kinks, Double-decker buses, The way they it's pronounced "lift" instead of "elevator", my still very much beloved Robert Pattinson, and of course, Etienne St. Clair.

Anglophile status still in check.

Losing Faith by Denise Jaden {Review}

Sometimes a book falls in your lap and you just think "oh well this will be a pleasant way to spend an evening," and then you spend the entire night reading it in one sitting because you NEED to find out what's going to happen next.  That's what reading Losing Faith by Denise Jaden was like for me.  I found out about the book through my amazing writing group member Shana who is critique partners with Denise.  I read a lot of different book blogs (probably too many) but for some reason I had not heard of this book, I am so grateful I know Shana because this book is truly amazing.

From Goodreads:
A terrible secret. A terrible fate.
When Brie's sister, Faith, dies suddenly, Brie's world falls apart. As she goes through the bizarre and devastating process of mourning the sister she never understood and barely even liked, everything in her life seems to spiral farther and farther off course. Her parents are a mess, her friends don’t know how to treat her, and her perfect boyfriend suddenly seems anything but.
As Brie settles into her new normal, she encounters more questions than closure: Certain facts about the way Faith died just don't line up. Brie soon uncovers a dark and twisted secret about Faith’s final night...a secret that puts her own life in danger.

Even the summary of this book doesn't give you a hint as to the journey you're about to be taken on when you open it  Brie is fairly cliched when you first meet her, self absorbed teen who can't be bothered with her practically perfect older sister until she dies suddenly.  It's through her numbness and inability to mourn in what she feels is the proper way that she starts to unfold the bits and pieces of her sister's life and figure out why she died.

I was so uncomfortable during parts of this story, mainly because I'm a wuss who can't take suspense.  I'm generally afraid that in every story there will be a scary clown at the end of every dark corner so while reading this in bed on a Sunday evening, my adrenaline was most definitely working overtime.  There was nothing overtly scary in this book, but it was very emotional and the subject matter was incredibly thought provoking.  I loved the way the messages in the book were conveyed through Brie's own transformation as opposed to being preachy or self righteous.  I also loved that there was humor interspersed with the emotion.  Brie's train of thought sometimes veers off into the funny side of a situation and she had little quips and witty remarks that were the perfect note for the overall pace of the story.

Losing Faith is definitely a story worth reading and I was thinking about it long after I finished the last page.  I'm really looking forward to reading what Denise writes in the future!

A Conversation on Valentine's Day

“Mom, I think Paris is lovely.”

“So do I! One day, I’ll take you there.”

“Really? You know all we need is a ticket.”

“Yeah that’s true, a ticket and a place to stay.”

“Like a hotel?”

“Yes, exactly like a hotel.”

“Cool!” “Then I can say ‘excusez-moi can I have some room service please’?”

“Yes you can, and you can say ‘Bonjour’ to everyone we pass on the street.”

“Oh wow! How do you say I love you?”

“Je t’aime.”

“Jay tim?”

“Close enough. You can work on it until we get to Paris.”

“Can we go for spring break?”

“Um, probably not. It costs a lot of money so we have to save up for it. We’ll go one day though and have the best time ever!”

“How do you say goodbye"?

“Au revoir."

“Or vore?”

“Close enough. Ok we’re here, let’s wait for the crossing guard. Have a good day at school.”

(Goodbye hugs and kisses)

“Jay tim Mom.”

(Sniffle)

The End.

Across the Universe by Beth Revis {Review}

From Goodreads:
Seventeen-year-old Amy joins her parents as frozen cargo aboard the vast spaceship Godspeed and expects to awaken on a new planet, three hundred years in the future. Never could she have known that her frozen slumber would come to an end fifty years too soon and that she would be thrust into the brave new world of a spaceship that lives by its own rules.
Amy quickly realizes that her awakening was no mere computer malfunction. Someone-one of the few thousand inhabitants of the spaceship-tried to kill her. And if Amy doesn't do something soon, her parents will be next.
Now Amy must race to unlock Godspeed's hidden secrets. But out of her list of murder suspects, there's only one who matters: Elder, the future leader of the ship and the love she could never have seen coming.
 
I have a confession. I'm not into science fiction. Like at all. I scoff at Star Wars references, I am creeped out by the very notion of space travel, and to me Wil Wheaton will always be Gordie from Stand by Me or the guy that always guest stars on Big Bang Theory as opposed to the dude he played on Star Trek.

Given my lack of interest in sci-fi, I was really surprised at how much I enjoyed this book.  It was  really well written and I loved the alternating points of view between Amy and Elder.  The way that life on the ship was depicted was so vivid, I could see it in my mind perfectly.  I liked Amy the main character, she was smart and spunky and had a very realistic reaction to waking up on a ship that's so far into the future and vastly different from the life she knew.  

I liked the pace of the book because it wasn't a super fast rollercoaster of emotion, instead it was a beautifully drawn, incredibly detailed look into life in alternate universe and it was full of a lot of different plot twists that were unexpected (at least for me) but went along really well with the plot.  I could not wait to find out how it all turned out and was very satisfied with the ending even though it's the beginning book of a series.

What I Get for Thinking

Last night as I was doing dishes, my mind started to wander and I started thinking about wedding dresses. (Not an uncommon theme with me btw)

Thinking about wedding dresses lead me into thinking about fancy dresses and how I don't get to wear dresses of any kind all that often.

Thinking of wearing dresses led me into thinking how I'm a big fat heifer who can't wear dresses because of my huge thighs and cankles.  

Thinking of my cankles led me into thinking how guys don't make passes at girls with fat asses and I'll probably die a spinster.

Thinking of my impending spinsterhood led me into thinking of the Valentine's Day episode of Glee and how Mercedes told Rachel and Kurt that being a diva means that all of your best accomplishments happen while you're single. 

Thinking about Mercedes incredibly valid point led me into thinking about Amber Riley and how she wore the most awesome dress to the SAG Awards and looked absolutely gorgeous!

Thinking about Amber's fabulous award show finery led me into imagining myself in said dress posing on the red carpet. And since no good red carpet fantasy would be complete without a bit of improv, I decided to take my hand out of the sudsy water, place it on my hip and strike my best Blue Steel look in the reflection from my kitchen window. 

At about this point I heard a voice behind me say, "That's a great pose Mom, are we being models?" 

Busted.

My first instinct was to be embarrassed that the princess caught me basically playing dress up in my head, then I decided to just roll with it.  This led to an impromptu Benny Ninja-esque "pose off" in the middle of the kitchen.  Tyra and Miss J would have been proud. 

Fifteen

1. What would you pick to eat if you only had one meal left?

Thanksgiving sides: Mashed potatoes and gravy, stuffing, yams, green beans, cranberry sauce, rolls, and red velvet cupcakes with buttercream frosting for dessert.

2. What quality is the most important to you in the opposite sex?

 Honesty. Finding out the person you love and trust most in the world has lied to you is devastating.  I speak from experience.

3. If you could pick your birthday, when would you want it and why?

I love my birth date! It's at the end of the summer so it's the final hurrah before the regular pace of life begins again and every 7 years or so it's a holiday!

4. What is your dream job?

My dream job is definitely a wedding planner or even better a professional wedding guest. I would show up with a gift and totally eat, drink, and be merry.  I would get to have the fun of a wedding but not have to deal with bridezillas.  Close 2nd would be a book editor or literary agent.

5. What is your favorite thing to do on the weekends?

Sleep.  Every other weekend the princess is with her dad and sometimes I make plans and do things but since most of my friends are married or in relationships I'm usually on my own for the weekend and I spend that time catching up on some much needed sleep.

6. What's the best book you have ever read?

Oh heck...this is such a Sophie's Choice kind of question.  I'll go with To Kill a Mockingbird because it was probably the first book that made me think in a different way and I learn something new every time I read it.

7. Biggest Pet Peeve?

People who use religion/morals as an excuse for poor behavior.

8. What show can you not miss?

The answer to this used to be Friends but I have all 10 seasons on DVD now.  I have to say How I Met Your Mother or Big Bang Theory are two of my big must watch shows.  Oh and of course Glee.

9. What is your favorite holiday and why?

Thanksgiving. Carbs, family, and no presents to buy.  Total win.

10. Do you want a big family?

Nope. I'm set.  Just myself and my princess and eventually a husband.  If said husband comes with a family attached so be it.  As I've said before...my uterus is closed. 

11. What is more important to you, love or money? 

Money can't hug you or tell you how awesome you are.  Money can't draw you a picture on your birthday.  Money can't send you an email that totally brightens your day just because.  Money can't confirm that your ass does indeed look hot in those jeans.  Love. Definitely love. 

12. If you had to live in another country other than America, which would you choose?

England. I speak the language, Paris is a 3 hour train ride away, and there is a higher probability of me meeting and falling in love with a hot ginger with a cute accent.  I think it's the obvious choice.

13. What is your dream car? 

Pink Mini Cooper.  It's cute and it's British. That is all.

14. Which is better, cats or dogs? Please explain why. 

 In my opinion a dog's love is unconditional. I do not get the cat thing. They do nothing for me. Kittens are cute but after that, I've got nothing.

15. If you had to live without either a cell phone or internet, which would you choose to give up?

Cell phone. I don't like talking on the phone anyway and I could always send an email.

**Disclaimer: I got these questions from somewhere but totally forgot where.

Anniversary of sorts

I tend to remember dates things have happened and celebrate them every year.  On February 2, 2003 I received a huge shock when after several miscarriages, I woke up and realized I was 17 days late and sent the now ex out for a stick for me to pee on, and 3 minutes later I was a mother.

The ex and I had been married for a year, and at the time of the last miscarriage decided that it would be better if I finished school and we had more money saved up etc before adding to our family but maybe we could get another dog.  So we did.  Then it was Christmas which of course implies lots of extra snuggly couple time and then boom...knocked up.

Despite the surprise of being pregnant, I remember being so happy.  Yes we were young, broke, and had no clue what we were doing, but we were having a baby and we were going to love it no matter what.  On Valentine's Day I had my first OB appointment and when we saw the tiny little lima bean with the even tinier flicker of a heartbeat it was like everything in my life had been leading up to that moment and I knew that I would be forever changed.

Due to my history, I was frequently seen by a different mix of doctors and found out at 16 weeks that I was having a girl.  I wasn't surprised even though everyone wanted me to have a boy, in fact we had a boy's name picked out about a month before I decided on a girl's name.  Since I've been coy with the princess' name, I'll tell you that if she had been a boy, her name would be Donovan James instead of Princess McNoneofyourbeeswax.

I was so excited when I found out and immediately started dreaming of all things pink.  In fact, before I had the princess, my favorite color was purple and her nursery was going to be lavender and white.  Do you have any idea how many adorable pink outfits there are? Or shoes? Or hats?  I was helpless to resist and pink has been my signature color ever since.

The next few months passed with a smorgasbord of craptastic stuff.  I cramped, I bled, I gained A LOT of weight, I waddled, I diabetes-ed.  It was in a word...horrendous.  In addition to all of my complications, I also had the fortune of being at my most orca-likeness during one of the hottest recorded summers in history.  There were days when all I did was cry and sit in front of the fan in my underwear because I was fat and hungry and my feet from the ankles down looked exactly like E.T.'s.  I was miserable.

Then the final nail in the coffin.  The ex told me the day after my baby shower that he cheated on me, wasn't sure he loved me but he loved our baby, and bolted.  He packed up all of our newly acquired princess gear and dropped me, my baby bump, and our dog off at my mother's house and he went to go live the life of a swinging bachelor while I pretty much began living what had always been my worst nightmare. An unemployed single mother who lives with her mother. The princess never really got to have her beautiful lavender nursery.  She had a crib with the bedding and a mobile and LOTS of ridiculously cute pink outfits but at that time, I felt like a huge failure for not being able to give her the start to life that she so deserved. 8 years later and it still bothers me.

I really hated being pregnant. Whenever someone tells me they loved it and gives me that Angelina Jolie BS of  how being pregnant makes them feel more like a woman I do not hesitate to roll my eyes.  My body underwent a radical change and I'm not sure if it will ever recover.  My stomach resembles a bulldogs jowls, my boobs are huge but have lost their youthful, perky bounce, and my ankles will forever look cankle-y to me.  I am quite positive that I will never do it again...like ever.

As much as I hated pregnancy and the poopstorm that came with it (literally AND figuratively...breast milk poops are so gross) I am absolutely in love with my daughter.  Even if I had to go through all of what I went through again, I would do so in an instant if it meant that beautiful little girl was a part of my life.  I absolutely adore motherhood.  I'm not great at it but I do the best I can and everything I do and say comes from love which in the end is all you need...according to The Beatles anyway.

There are so many new babies being born in my circle of friends both real and Internetian, and maybe I'm feeling a little nostalgic.  Like I said, I will never do it again, but peeing on a stick pretty much lead to the best part of my life so I see no reason not to celebrate it.  Cheers darlings.

The End of an Era

In May 2008, I became a vegetarian.  I haven't really discussed my vegetarian lifestyle here on the blog because frankly, I suck at it.

I don't enjoy tofu. Not even a little bit.

I really don't like the taste of fake meat products with the exception of the occasional veggie burger.

I like vegetables but have no creativity when it comes to cooking so I usually just end up eating soup and salad, mac and cheese, peanut butter and jelly, or pasta. 

I like carbs a whole heck of a lot and being vegetarian really just gave me the excuse to eat more of them.  Please see previously mentioned pasta and mac&cheese.

I mentioned a couple of months ago how I was feeling tired and rundown with absolutely no energy for anything and needed to get my butt in gear.  I tried to establish a balanced eating routine that I stuck to for the most part but I'm just not feeling any changes.

Over the last few years I've had some health problems, a lot of which are hormonal.  At my last checkup I spoke with my doctor about I had been feeling and she suggested that with my hormonal issues and my blood type, I might want to see if introducing meat back into my diet a few days a week coupled with eating cleanly and organically with no processed foods would make a difference.

So for now, my life as a vegetarian is pretty much over. I've been eating poultry and fish over the last week and a half or so and so far I'm really comfortable with it.  I never claimed to be an animal rights activist or anything, in fact my main reason for going vegetarian was health related and I'm listening to my body and deciding it's no longer the best option for me.  I may change my mind in the future but for now...I'm happy with my decision. 

Sushi anyone?